SATUR NIGHT 03
I know what you’re thinking. What’s the cause of my meltdown? How is my family so average Joe? Why are you still reading?
Okay, time to pack.
One pair of sandals. Two pair of socks. Three shorts. Four shirts. And five underwear. Why five underwear for only three days of fishing? Well, if you were suffering from rapid eye nocturnal prepubescence – that’s a fancy bonus word – you’d understand. Google it, if you must.
“Ready, Freddy?” Hunter poked his head in the room. “We’re leaving earlier than the early birdies.” His mouth twitched. His left eyebrow raised high. Something troubled him.
“What?” I asked.
“We’re goin’ fishin’. Not the North Pole.”
“All you really need are these–”
Hunter handed me three items: bug spray, a khaki hat and a canary yellow feather.
“No way,” I shouted. “I’m not wearing girlie stuff.”
Hunter shushed me, covering my mouth.
He let go and whispered.
“Save your life, that, it just might.”
I had never been fishing before. It’d be my first time. So clearly I didn’t know what to pack.
It’s a trip all us Hampton boys take when we turn twelve. So I’m told. Yep, in just four days, 11 year-old me, no more. See ya’, wouldn’t want to sneeze ya’.
“We sleep. We eat. We fish,” said Hunter. “We sleep. We eat. We fish,” he repeated. “Then afterwards, we sleep, we eat, we fish some more. You’ll be lucky if you even change your underwear.”
I was finally invited to go on the family “just men” fishing trip.
That means no Ma.
Which also meant there would be no pain in my foot. Harper.
Just the men: me, Hunter and Grampa Leon.
Grampa Leon Bio: (a.k.a. Grampa Grump), a grouchy, retired, live-and-breathe for fishing Grampa. He rarely ever smiled. He rarely ever raised his voice. He was like a rock. A big, solid piece of matter with absolutely no grass left on the mountaintop. Thus, the need for a hat worn daily, hourly, minutely (if even a word).
At least Hunter was going.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d been on family trips before. I once set a Hampton record for most throw-ups on an airplane. But that’s another story.
This trip was different. Good forced socialization for me.
We were headed into the wetlands, into the Mississippi swamp, into Bayou Vivrè.
An irritating, whiny voice shouted. “I wanna go fishin’. I wanna go fishin’, Hatch’a,” yelled my arch-nemesis, Harper.
Three, two, oops.
The rocketing pillow I tossed just nicked Harper on his backside.
“Eee-waaaaa,” he cried. Harper could whip up a tear faster than bad breath can stank. “Me ma-ma, me ma-ma, Hatch’a hit me.”
Before drama could follow, Hunter had a plan. “Quick.” He snapped a finger and dove into his dirty clothes-covered bed. “Emay ouyay under eetshay, oolfay.”
That’s piggy code for: me, you, under sheets, fool.
In complete darkness. Wind whistled outside the window. Lightning flickered. Fears settled. Then, a bright light flashed in my face. A voice rang out in a deep, scratchy tone.
“There I was, stuck between a rock and a hard place,” the voice said, “staring DEATH in the face!”
The flashlight came off my face and onto Hunter’s as his left eyebrow raised. His teeth chattered. His eyes bulged. He continued in an intense voice.
“Four years ago, I sat right where you are.” Hunter paused, correcting his thought. “Well, actually, not right where you are – tucked in bed, wearing an Oompa Loompa shirt. But, yes! I sat in the same predicament.”
“Predicament! An unpleasantly perplexing or dangerous situation,” he exclaimed and continued in a snarly voice. “As I, too, was NERVOUS about the adventure before me.”
“I’m not nervous . . .”
“Shhhhh,” he interrupted and glanced around as if someone were in the room. “Grampa never told you about this ‘cause you would have said o-nay ay-way.”
“Why would I say . . .”
“Sh-sh-shhhhh,” he interrupted again, looking around. This time he high-stepped, tip-toed over and peeked into the closet. “No talk. No whisper. Just . . .” He pointed to his right ear.
In the darkness, Hunter tilted the flashlight so his eyes looked as if they were going to explode out of his skull.
“The swamp was ANGRY that day, I tell you, or may the heavens STRIKE ME DOWN and grow me a nutria-rat tail. Gnats a nibblin’. Horseflies a bitin’. Catfish a meowin’.
“I stood alone on the back pier when the big red sun dropped like a BANSHEE into the horizon! The air grew heavy with fog, THICK like a winter-wool blanket. And I could tell by the hair sticking up on my neck SOMETHING was afoot.
“When suddenly, the Loup Garou APPEARED!”
Hunter threw his arms high in the air. His head twitched and eyes boggled.
“I had never before seen such a VILE creature. It stood the size of an outhouse. Its yellow eyes could pierce HOLES into your soul. Its jagged teeth were as sharp as kitchen knives – and in need of braces, I tell you.”
“Its stench REEKED beyond a Harper stuffed-up-training-potty. Before I could move a muscle, the shaggy-headed beast stuffed me into its mouth. CRUNCH-CRUNCH!”
Hunter’s face became still. His voice returned to normal. “But not before I plucked the lucky feather out of my hat, and tick-tick-tickled his nostrils.
“I shot right out of his mouth. And right back onto the pier – me fishin’ pole, in hand.”
Hunter smiled, tilting the flashlight off his face.
In a cheerio voice, he said, “Alrightie then. Get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”